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Blame Game: How societal beliefs make women scapegoats for childlessness, absolve culpable men
14 years ago, when she was still single, Mrs Jumoke Albert, loved attending birthday parties and christenings.
As a party lover, the businesswoman, who owns a thriving boutique in Lagos, planned to celebrate her own children when she got married.
The 42-year-old housewife, never envisaged facing a challenge in terms of conceiving her own child because her siblings were all married with kids, and had no form of delay.
Sitting on the edge of a black sofa in their three-bedroom apartment in Yaba, Jumoke recalled with a sombre voice, how months of waiting after her colourful wedding in 2010, had turned into long years of waiting with so much pressure and being blamed for her childlessness.
Wiping her tears at intervals, while narrating her experience to our correspondent, the businesswoman said her 14 years of marriage had been very horrific.
The humiliation and ridicule she endures daily from her husband’s family members, who constantly accuse her of being responsible for their childlessness, are troubling.
The business administration graduate said she had been constrained to stay away from any merrymaking both in the family and the neighbourhood to avoid being mocked and reminded that she was yet to have a child for her husband.
More heartbreaking for Jumoke is the fact that her husband, who was diagnosed with a low sperm count by a fertility doctor, is silent about his condition and refuses to go for treatment, while his family keeps blaming her for their childless situation.
Women as culprits
“Imagine being blamed by in-laws every day for not giving their son children, when their son – my husband – can’t get me pregnant because he has a low sperm count and pretend that all is well.
“Imagine being so scared of my husband’s family members each time they visit, especially my mother-in-law, for fear of being called a barren woman, while my husband, who has the problem will keep quiet and not even defend me”, Jumoke muttered, fighting back tears.
The businesswoman told our correspondent that she is more troubled by her husband’s refusal to support her in finding a solution to their childlessness.
She recounted, “We both went for medical evaluation after years of waiting. When the results came out, the doctor said I was medically okay. But he told my husband that he had a low sperm count and would require treatment.
“You won’t believe that after that particular visit, my husband refused to talk about it again. He ignored the treatment, insisting that he was a man and there was nothing wrong with his sperm.”
In an emotive voice, Jumoke recalled that from name-calling to insults, and constant abuse, the past 14 years had been the worst of her life, simply because she was unable to get pregnant and her husband refused to seek help even when his medical report showed he has issues.
One in six people at risk of infertility
It is an open secret that in Nigeria when a union is unable to produce a child, it’s often regarded as the woman’s fault.
However, according to experts, that is far from being the truth, explaining that sperm count among men is declining and is partly responsible for the increased infertility being recorded among couples.
Infertility is a disease of the male or female reproductive system and is defined by the failure to achieve a pregnancy after 12 months or more of having regular unprotected sexual intercourse, according to experts.
They note that infertility is a global health issue affecting millions of people of reproductive age worldwide.
The World Health Organisation in a new report stated that a large number of people are affected by infertility in their lifetime, while experts say that the ratio of male to female infertility is about 50:50.
The report said around 17.5 per cent of the adult population, about one in six worldwide, experience infertility, showing the urgent need to increase access to affordable, high-quality fertility care for those in need.
In her interaction with PUNCH Healthwise, Jumoke said, “My husband’s family members frustrate my life every day because I have not been able to get pregnant, yet the fault is from my husband.
“My husband refused to open up and I can’t even discuss the problem with his family members because they have a mindset that childbirth is the responsibility of the woman and it is always the woman’s fault when there is an issue of infertility or childlessness in the home.
“Imagine going through this trauma year in, year out, for 14 years, yet my husband has refused to seek help or talk about it. Some of my family members have advised me to separate from him, but I don’t want infertility to be the reason our marriage didn’t work out.”
While speaking with our correspondent about her travails, Jumoke recalled that their love affair, which used to be envied by many, slid into torment and pain when she was unable to conceive five years into the marriage.
She recounted, “We got married in 2010 and had a beautiful wedding. Our honeymoon was splendid because we were truly in love with each other. We planned to have children immediately so we could move on.
“But, one year after, there was nothing, the second year passed, and I didn’t conceive. Then I became apprehensive when we got to the fifth year. However, I noticed that my husband was not too keen for us to go to the hospital to find out the cause.”
Despite the humiliation that Jumoke goes through in the marriage, her husband remains adamant about seeing a doctor.
She added, “One day, I told him that we should go and see a gynaecologist, but he refused and asked me to go alone. Initially, I thought he was joking. When I realised that he was not ready to go with me, I went alone. I did several tests and when the results were out, the doctor told me to be patient and that I was medically okay.
“He requested that my husband come for a medical evaluation. The doctor told me that the issue of infertility is not a woman’s problem. When I got home and gave him my medical report and told him the doctor would like to see him, he hissed and walked away.
“After much persuasion, he agreed that we should see the doctor.”
Jumoke who heaved a sigh of relief when her husband eventually agreed to see a doctor was thrown into agony again when her husband refused to accept the result of his test.
My husband refused treatment
The Ogun State indigene said further, “We did several tests and when the results were out, the doctor said I should be calm that I was okay but that my husband had very low sperm count that would require some treatment apart from lifestyle modifications.
“I assured him of my love and that he should commence the treatment. He told the doctor that he would come back for his treatment. But when we went home, he told me that he would not go for any treatment and he never did, maintaining that there was nothing wrong with him.”
Despite her husband’s condition, the businesswoman said she has decided not to leave the marriage, despite the hostility from her mother-in-law.
She said, “Last year, my elder sister suggested that since it was obvious that he has a problem and has refused to address it, I should go for in vitro fertilisation treatment or leave him and marry someone else so I can have children.
“I don’t want to break up with him because of infertility and he has agreed that I should go for IVF and not adoption. We are currently saving for it because it is expensive. Once the money is complete, I will go for it.”
Men’s refusal for tests fuelled by ego, culture
Gynaecologists, who spoke on the issue identified culture, ego and ignorance as major reasons why some men feel the issue of infertility in a marriage is the problem of the woman and have refused to seek help.
A Consultant Gynaecologist and Obstetrician, Dr Adeleke Kaka, told PUNCH Healthwise that blaming a woman for childlessness is a societal and cultural issue that should be discouraged.
He said it was unfortunate that there are still many traditional men who, despite their educational background, believed that nothing could be wrong with their reproductive system, and ended up blaming the women for infertility.
Besides culture, the maternal health expert also identified ego as another major reason why men refuse to seek help when they have issues with getting their wives pregnant after many years of marriage.
Oppression of women over infertility
There have been misconceptions about infertility, which have led to the oppression of the female gender in many cultures in Nigeria.
These misconceptions have created gaps in the ways infertility issues are handled in many homes in Nigeria and other African countries.
Some women who are still waiting for the ‘fruit of the womb’, as it is so called, who shared their experiences, said it was depressing enduring their husbands’ family members’ accusations of being infertile when the problem is actually from their husbands.
Some studies have also shown that cultural assumptions about women’s reproductive responsibilities have shaped medical science.
The studies note that although male infertility is as common as female infertility, we live in a world where there are more practitioners and techno